Billy Eichner seems to have written and starred in a romantic comedy while still being on the fence, in real life, about whether he deserves to be loved or not. Perhaps he should have worked that out beforehand, so watching the movie doesn’t feel like violating patient-therapist confidentiality.

Bros (2022) is a bit of a bait and switch. From the title, I guess I thought it’d be a movie about how funny it is to try to be gay without being “gay”. Maybe it would end on the conclusion that, while all gay people aren’t the same, it’s important to question the impulse to over-assert your masculinity to try to compensate for your sexual orientation. But, no. Just a rich guy using a multi-million dollar budget to bemoan the idea that the answer to “Will a straight-looking hunk ever love me, despite me having no redeeming qualities?” may very well be “No."

He reveals to his boyfriend 2/3rds through the film that his (allegedly) apparent confidence is actually all bluster. Not much of a reveal, buddy. Your insecurities are etched into every frame of this movie. Maybe, Mr. Eichner, you ought to reflect on why this guy who injects testosterone and wears a trucker hat to a gay club is your ideal man. Is there something about his seemingly self-assured masculinity that highlights something you believe you lack?

This movie repeatedly takes shots at the heteronormative warmth of Hallmark, trite and predictable as it is, but Mr. Eichner should try making a good movie before throwing stones. Is Hallmark not neurotic enough for him? Does it need to be more self-pitying for him to enjoy it? To be honest, I’d much prefer the eternal-Christmas-fugue-state than his anxiety-ridden dud of a film. 0 stars.